Thanksgiving

It has been five years since I Have been home for Thanksgiving. And here's the thing: up until I was 20 or so Thanksgiving, and all holidays, were a huge family affair with lots of food and love and very loud talking. I LOVED holidays with my family because mom was always the host and, even, when family wasn't getting along the Holiday was always the exception. 30 people in my house enjoying the talent of my mother's cooking and the love of family. It was awesome.
Unfortunately the family has gone its separate ways-partially, I think, because my mom has a big mouth and likes to be the center of attention and everyone got tired of it. There's much more to it: the family is bigger, there aren't as many kids, generations move on, etc, but MOM is a part of it.

And so came our Thanksgiving of 2009 which was enjoyed by myself, Robert, Mom, Buzz, Nam, Uncle Josh, and Uncle Adam. It was a nice little gathering, slightly reminiscent of the wonderous days of my childhood before I realized the dangers of my mother being in the same room as my aunts. Anyway, I spent the day helping my mother cook and get ready, which was awesome because I have rarely spent any time cooking with my mother and I did a really good job helping her! Dinner was great-gourmet, really, and the day got down to the minutes of PJs and drinks before bed...and, somehow, mom and Robert got into a fight about whether or not there should be Arts in a regular school day.

Now, here's the thing, Robert and I disagree about a lot of things, but I am not a pushy, outspoken person, so, when he gets on one of his rants I just smile and nod and know how I feel about it and that's enough. Mom, who is just as outspoken as Robert, if slightly less loud about it, wouldn't even think of backing down...so a quiet comment about our nephew Oliver making pies for Thanksgiving turned into a loud debate about whether or not kids should have art classes, which turned into an opinion match on who really understands what it's like to live down South and the type of people there and how they take advantage of the offerings made by the school systems (*I'm putting this nicely)...all this resulted in me leaving the room, going upstairs, and starting to pack my things because I knew what was coming next. The moment I left the room mom decided to pull out the big guns, starting with "Well, you lived down South and you and Lane are overweight..." which quickly snowballed into calling Robert an "uneducated, racist, bigot". Yeah. This is when we left.
I will give Robert credit for leaving before he said something horrible. Mom will give him no credit for leaving because she doesn't agree with his opinions and he POINTED HIS FINGER AT HER! Oh my. I knew this was coming because I know mom doesn't approve of me being married to Robert, she doesn't think he's good for me, and she feels like, eventually, I will marry someone else who will somehow help me develop my photography, writing, and have beautiful children with me. This is all despite the fact that I am happy with Robert, I don't want children, and my photography and writing are not the main focus in my life...I knew it all had to come out eventually, and the fact that it took almost 3 years is pretty impressive, I guess.
And so, on the way home, I realized that it is okay for me to be tired of all of this: tired of mom telling me I'm overweight, tired of her pushing my photography and writing EVERY CHANCE SHE GETS, tired of her disapproving of my life choices because she thinks I'm following her path! AND she called my husband horrible names! I WAS MAD!
*************************************************************
I waited a few days to let mom and Robert both cool off...in which time she called and left a message telling Robert to "let bygones be bygones and to have a smile on his face next time you see me." Sounded more like a threat than an apology. And I told her that yesterday. I also told her everything that I have been feeling for the last 10 years...and she listened and, after an hour, she finally said that she would think about it before she opened her mouth to give me "advice" or tell me the "truth" or to "say what needs to be said". And she said she would apologize to Robert. I just hope she can hold back any "advice" that she might want to give him so we can have her birthday dinner and Christmas together before Robert leaves for months.
The best part about our conversation, for me, was when I said, "I may make similar choices to those you made in YOUR life, but they're not the SAME choices. I will learn from them, they will make me happy (or sometimes sad), I will grow from them, but they are MY choices, not yours and my life is not the life that you have lived. I am not YOU, mom, no matter how much you think I am like you."
I hope it all works out. I know we can all move on, but the things she said to Robert were very hurtful and it's hard to forget that...no matter how much one lives in the moment.